It all boils down to the small moments.
Tea time invariably became my favourite moment of the day for its sheer ordinary-ness. I looked forward to mummy’s soothing tea, not too strong but with just the right flavours, usually on the sweeter side, with a helping of sugary sweet toast, Parle G biscuits, rusk or a butter-based toast. Everyone would take a break from work, and assemble in either my room, Papa’s office room, the terrace, or the hall. It would probably last from ten minutes to half an hour but for those moments, we’d all be together just relishing the ordinary ness of the evening. Papa with about 8 biscuits, four for him and for Chitti, mummy giving Papa some looks for no particular reason, Arjun and me just lingering in laziness.
I terribly miss Chitti and it hits at the most odd times. Somehow she made it easier for all of us to just be together, the five of us, or the seven of us. We could have differences among most people but still manage to sideline all that and indulge heartily in baby talk. She’s come around for cuddles and pets and take turns with everyone. There was of course no competition whom she loved the most. Papa, no questions asked. And for all that Papa did for Chits, it was obvious who everyone’s favourite kid was. Between ourselves, we called Chitti Pampers 1, 2 and 3 could be interchanged between me and Arjun but number 1 pampered, spoilt, and sweet brat was and is undoubtedly Chitti.
It feels so incomplete now to not have Chitti with us to partake in our tea and banter. There’s an odd silence in the house that doesn’t go even though we’re trying to make so much noise and talk about nothingness. It feels guilty to go on without her. It also feels like a sense of relief to go by a day and not cry or feel sad. It’s just strange, that’s what it is.
I think about sitting down and eulogizing but I can’t. It is unreal that she’s not around anymore. Her pitter patter of feet is absent from the house. Her presence, at the space in front of the doorway is a gaping absence. I terribly miss not being welcomed like she’s not seen me in decades. The rousing happiness and licks and being chided, ‘Oh Spu, Where Have You Been?!’ Just enough to melt the stoniest of hearts.
I loved back to Bangalore from my stint in Mumbai for Chits. I had a hundred and one reasons to not come back home. And I had a few practical reasons to be home. But family, Chitti called me back. I knew I’d have trouble with adjusting to life at home after being away for three years. I knew there’s be fights, and misunderstandings, and general compromises. But Chitti was the deciding factor.
I absolutely loved the lockdown moments that I got to spend at home. My family, Chits, occasionally my fiance… Chitti made it all the better always.
I never had to worry about my parents getting older, because there was this baby at home for them to focus their attention on. They had been so involved with Chits that it’s only now after I’ve seen her absent presence that I realise how much they’ve aged. How much sorrow is etched in their eyes for the child they lost, more a child to them having brought her home as a baby than she was to me. I lost a sibling baby. But they lost their baby baby. How much it sucks.
You’d think it makes it easy when people say she had a Royal life and a grand one. I hate the one when people say she’s in a better place. How do you know that huh?
I’m so thankful to Chitti for healing us. And I’ll always regret that Chitti didn’t live longer. Did she leave to teach us some lessons?
Did she leave cause of our incompetence?
We are sorry Chits. We are just so sorry. I miss you so much. We miss you so much. I love you baby. I am sorry.
PsychedSpurti 