Floodgates

A floodgate opens by, of memories rushing hither

Within that diary, my emotions nearing wither.

‘Twas us against the world, a battle was fought.

Left you strong, but I was broken and distraught.

What do I do with these papers and this ink?

The dusty fabric has secrets aplenty, you ‘d blink.

There was love there, and tenderness and care.

But then, you made clear, those feelings you did not share.

It took me time, a great deal of distance.

And here I am, relishing my sustenance.

Yellowed pages, dogeared ends..

They call out to me, and show me the bends.

Of lies, betrayal, heartache, and all the evil rest.

Move on, Life did, for it always knows what’s best.

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 Break and Make.

I cry. That’s how I cope.

When I feel all is lost and there’s no hope.

It doesn’t matter what the surrounding is,

I feel like I’m stuck in an incessant abyss.

Your people drift away,

You realize that you really don’t have any say.

That person, you thought, your love, come true,

Is but another form of Monday blue.

Speak of it, to feel better, you must

To begin a new quest, it is the only thrust.

Of lighter hearts and lovely people,

Trust your instincts, don’t be frugal.

Permutations of humor, beauty and sound mind,
Begin anew, these treasures you’ll find.

 

 

Missings and musings.

I’ve always had good friends but life has always been characterized into phases and friendships also. Just like dysfunctional families, a term I really like, even my relation with my friends is dysfunctional.

Most are the heart warming, genuine, I’ll be there for you always kinda people. Some are the exes. Long forgotten, but they reside in the deeper throes of thr heart, cause they cannot be forgotten. I’ve realised that it’s harder to make friends as you grow older. My general observation is that people are less open to deep interactions, I find that a precursor to great relationships. Shared emotions, common enemies, childhood secrets, crushes, heart break, usually, one needs to open up deeply on a personal level to feel that connect with someone else. Not many are willing to do that in real life now and most prefer the convenience of virtual life to fester and foster in the old friendships.

I’m cleaning out my room and trying to set everything for the next one year. It’s going to be a crucial year, this. Both personally and professionally. And as I rummage through my folder, I find among other things, the promise of hope. An unsaid promise that cannot be broken simply because it was never meant to be one. I read it in the words and I know that a lot of what I believe in and know is going to change. It has to…nevertheless, some familiar comforts, some lights, will guide me home.

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Dil, Dhadakne Do?

Dysfunctional families, complicated relationships and societal pressures. Those are the exact words to describe ‘Dil Dhadakne Do’. My apologies for the late review, but I had resisted watching this movie because I found it to be way too hyped when I saw the trailer. After having been subjected to a boring drive when Sherlock was too much to handle, I switched over to Dil Dhadakne Do – Let Your Heart Beat.

As I write this post, I have seen three-fourth of this movie. I write this with an ironic eye. What is this movie if not a mirror to our lives? The realities that some of us distance ourselves from, the elusive dream, the status that we crave, the desires that are perhaps not fulfilled when you want them the most… and we shrug it away like it really doesn’t matter when deep in your heart, you know you’ll always crave for it.

The movie mirrors many of these and for some strange and sickening reason, maybe because I am a cynic, I feel that the end of this will be just the way are – aware yet ignorant.

Choosing to bear things than to fight them through. Fighting takes courage, even in admitting what you know to be the truth. Sometimes, actually a lot of times, it is just easier to give in.

And Now that I’ve finished watching the movie, I have to admit that a little more optimism won’t be a bad thing.

Why does the end have to be so dramatic? I’m sure people will get the subtleties too but no, this is Bollywood and it thrives on melodrama.

Because airport scenes are passe, we now have the protagonist jump into the water to go and find his love, not withstanding the fact that he can arrested for trespassing through territorial waters. Dude, you could have at least taken your wallet or passport?

Of course, his entire family has to jump into one lifeboat not without prior drama. For reasons unbeknownst to rationality, the Indian dudes have to ambush the ‘goras’ with their sheer strength and power, and let the patrons truimph. I don’t think we’ll ever move on to make commercial movies without naach gaana or ridiculous jugaad.

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Here’s to happy endings though. Because believe it or not, if not everything, some things in life, they will turn out just fine:)

Dil? Dhadakne Do. 🙂

 

Kinare…

I have been in love and I have been depressed. It’s the one phase of life I never want to go back to again. My mind resonated with despair and darkness. I kept my pictures black, the status dreary, and my smiles were without soul. I smiled. And I laughed so hard. And I kept telling myself that I was all right. It was going to be okay. And once in a while – every other day I would break down. For something, for nothing, I didn’t need a reason. A bit of silence, an advertisement that played with emotions, or random incidents with friends because some days I just wouldn’t be able to exist. I remember a vivid incident. I remember sitting in the canteen, plans being made for an imminent trip and I broke down for no reason. I remember it vividly, sobbing into my arms and hoping no one knew. I was, but an ostrich trying to burrow its head.

This phase was also when I bonded. I tried to avoid the deep gaze that often came my way, because I was scared that if I let it touch me, then I would succumb into the vacuum that I was trying desperately to fill. It’s surprising just how dependent I was. How everything that I wanted was linked to the one person who got me into that state. Suddenly, even Bollywood’s cheesy romances became too much to handle. I stopped going to the movies. I had few friends, but I couldn’t confide into anyone. Even when I finally did, I found it oddly embarrassing. It was so comforting to be present with someone who had no idea of the turmoil in your mind. You could just be a listener, smile at the right places, interject, and respond if you felt strongly enough about something. It was nice to have someone, who was in a happy bubble. It gave me hope that I could get there too.

Yes, even the best of the people hide secrets. The best of us may have battled the oddest circumstances in life and risen from it. You’ve always admired and loved Dumbledore? Can you think of how much grief the biggest tragedy of his life gave him? He never showed it and his brother assumed that he was never bothered. The worst situations in life? That’s what builds them to become stronger and wiser. Something that even a cup of Horlicks will never give you.

The winners, the happiest people that you know of, they wouldn’t tell you things not because they are over it but because regardless of how much they’ve left behind, some things will always be a part of you. The trick is to make peace with this part of your life. Don’t let it overshadow your choices that nothing of your individuality is left in your decisions. That’s the ultimate irony if you don’t objectively decide what you want to do in life.

You won’t just wake up one day and decide that you are not depressed. That’s not how it works. It will take effect only when you put in effort. If you’ve been listening to tales about how depressed people sleep a lot, call it codswallop and get out of bed. Start empowering yourself, slowly but surely.

That fire in your belly, it has been subdued now. But light that smoke again and show yourself that you got it. Be you. Don’t be anyone else, but you.

Khud hi to hain hum, Kinaare.

Kaise honge kam, Kinaare.

Hain jahaan hain hum, Kinare.

Khud hi To hain hum. Kinare…

~As told to me by a friend~shore-at-sunset-590-706

Musings on a mellow morning…

Love.
Oft defined, frequently abused, and commonly misrepresented, love is a continually confounding phenomenon. What remains clear is that neither you nor I are qualified to attempt to comprehend it. Why then am I writing this post?
I’m just amazed at the audacity of hope. When it comes to love, it’s seemingly boundless.

I’ve known people who’ve loved, moved on, repented, and also those who pine for that one meaningful relationship that would allow them to experience life in an unparalleled universe. (That instance when a couple in a relationship ceases to acknowledge the world around them as they slip into an abyss of their own.)

Depending on how you like your glass, love can be the most significant thing in your world or it can be a load of codswallop. And it’s fair to say that the biased perceptions and experiences of the same can lead you to either of those trajectories.
It’s my observation that someone who’s been blighted by a lover has so much angst that neither do they see joy in the other’s happiness nor do they aim to find it in their own living, often using it as an experience to build walls around them. They often remain in a rut, their demeanor wary, with a relentless desperation. A wave so deep, it’s strong enough to rock people from their carapaces.

 

It’s funny how I can write about the most random things when what I really have to do is constructive utilisation of the most entity in the world—time. Yes, I’ve an assignment to work on. But I keep having these disparate thoughts that do not let me be. 

Eudaimonia was a take away from my first lecture out here at SIMC and it keeps me going strong. That and will power. I’ve to constantly remind myself about how lucky I am. Did I mention I saw a shooting star? My first! That was during my initial days here. Picture a calm breeze and a bunch of people singing under the open sky during a brief power outage and then that euphoric sighting. ❤

Now that I’ve let my thoughts flow into the pensieve, perhaps it is time to get back to the assignment. After all, there’s only so much philosophy that either of us can take.

Image References:

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