I have been in love and I have been depressed. It’s the one phase of life I never want to go back to again. My mind resonated with despair and darkness. I kept my pictures black, the status dreary, and my smiles were without soul. I smiled. And I laughed so hard. And I kept telling myself that I was all right. It was going to be okay. And once in a while – every other day I would break down. For something, for nothing, I didn’t need a reason. A bit of silence, an advertisement that played with emotions, or random incidents with friends because some days I just wouldn’t be able to exist. I remember a vivid incident. I remember sitting in the canteen, plans being made for an imminent trip and I broke down for no reason. I remember it vividly, sobbing into my arms and hoping no one knew. I was, but an ostrich trying to burrow its head.
This phase was also when I bonded. I tried to avoid the deep gaze that often came my way, because I was scared that if I let it touch me, then I would succumb into the vacuum that I was trying desperately to fill. It’s surprising just how dependent I was. How everything that I wanted was linked to the one person who got me into that state. Suddenly, even Bollywood’s cheesy romances became too much to handle. I stopped going to the movies. I had few friends, but I couldn’t confide into anyone. Even when I finally did, I found it oddly embarrassing. It was so comforting to be present with someone who had no idea of the turmoil in your mind. You could just be a listener, smile at the right places, interject, and respond if you felt strongly enough about something. It was nice to have someone, who was in a happy bubble. It gave me hope that I could get there too.
Yes, even the best of the people hide secrets. The best of us may have battled the oddest circumstances in life and risen from it. You’ve always admired and loved Dumbledore? Can you think of how much grief the biggest tragedy of his life gave him? He never showed it and his brother assumed that he was never bothered. The worst situations in life? That’s what builds them to become stronger and wiser. Something that even a cup of Horlicks will never give you.
The winners, the happiest people that you know of, they wouldn’t tell you things not because they are over it but because regardless of how much they’ve left behind, some things will always be a part of you. The trick is to make peace with this part of your life. Don’t let it overshadow your choices that nothing of your individuality is left in your decisions. That’s the ultimate irony if you don’t objectively decide what you want to do in life.
You won’t just wake up one day and decide that you are not depressed. That’s not how it works. It will take effect only when you put in effort. If you’ve been listening to tales about how depressed people sleep a lot, call it codswallop and get out of bed. Start empowering yourself, slowly but surely.
That fire in your belly, it has been subdued now. But light that smoke again and show yourself that you got it. Be you. Don’t be anyone else, but you.
Khud hi to hain hum, Kinaare.
Kaise honge kam, Kinaare.
Hain jahaan hain hum, Kinare.
Khud hi To hain hum. Kinare…